pebbles

As I excavate these rocks, stuck in place for so long, large boulders surrounded by, buried by, all the pebbles of my fears, I find myself curious.

Pausing, breathing. Waiting to unearth a secret about me that explains everything.

No secrets found yet.

Maybe I haven’t dug deep enough, tried hard enough, understand enough about myself. Maybe there is no secret.

No hidden reason I find myself removed, isolating further, numbing deeper, sinking away from myself.

There isn’t a fear I’m running from…maybe I’m running towards it, tired, exhausted, pushing with everything I have left.

Maybe I’m more scare of whats on the surface, what I can still reach, what I have the slightest control over.

What I choose to do nothing about.

Wearing myself down, down, down, until there is no fingernail left to move those pebbles.

What is it I hope to find, discover, uncover, bury further, digging deeper, diving in?

Searching for myself, I find so many stories.

Holding me captive, unable to go, choosing not to turn away.

I am in choice, yet I continually turn the other way. The way my attention is drawn.

Curiosity can kill a cat, what are these boulders capable of for me?

If I move enough, let the tide rise, I know I will drown.

I don’t have a life vest, a personal flotation device, a back up plan.

I only have today and my choosing of paths.

Continue to stumble and catch myself, falter in the disappointment nothing uncovered, nothing gained.

Choose the soft ground just out of reach, green with moss, full of life, everything in the open.

I have a place there, I have a home, welcoming me with open arms.

Let me turn my face to the sun, spread my heart wide, face my future with hope and the awareness that I am choosing this for myself.

This is my choice.

I am in choice.