The lens of fear

There are days when I wake up and feel energized and invigorated by what lies ahead of me. Then there are the days when I feel fifty pounds heavier and can barely pull myself up to get dressed. I’ve spent the last three weeks in that space. I was expecting the weight with the grief of losing our fur buddy, Tiko. I was expecting it as the anniversary of our nephew’s death crept closer and closer. I knew it was coming when I thought about the situation surrounding us all, the pandemic. As I felt the rising anger around me as we all start to open our eyes to the systemic racism that exists. I just wasn’t expecting the unidentified fear to feel this heavy. There is so much unknown right now…when the world will go back to “normal” and what the fuck is “normal” going to look like anyway? When can I start hugging my people again? Will I be able to visit my best friend’s soon to be born baby? What will our holidays look like this year? As time continues to roll forward, I can feel myself putting the walls up…isolating myself…avoiding emotions…all in the name of fear. This is my lens right now and I want, more than anything, to be able to remove it and see everything as a gift again. Every smile shared on the street, feeding the people I love, having discussions (in person) about what is happening in our country.

I’m finding it hard to exist in this current space. In this space of fear and contradiction and blatant lies. This isn’t healthy for any of us. I’m not the one at the controls though, so I’m grasping to what I can. Today I’m doing what I can to see through the lens of connection. I see you, fear, but I need a break, a reprieve, an opportunity to see this from a different perspective. And I think you do to… All my love.